Fill in the Blank Friday

1. What I love most about my home is:   Spending time with Chris and having somewhere to be alone.  I also really enjoy the blender, especially when Chris makes strawberry margaritas.

2. I'm excited because:   The weekend has arrived.  Hopefully I will be feeling better this weekend and I can get back to the office and baking.

3. My preferred method for blowing off steam when I'm frustrated is:   Singing really loudly to horrible and/or awesome music in my car with the windows and/or sunroof open.

4. Currently I am craving:   Strawberries and whipped cream, or some sexy time, once my abdomen has healed. 

5. The thing I love most about my mom is:   She really does love to snuggle and have meaningful bonding conversations with me when she's relaxed.

6. If I was going to write a book about my life, the title would be:   Hmm, I'm not really sure.  Maybe it would be a collection of short stories called sex and sprinkles or something.

7. If I were to eat one thing for the rest of eternity it would be:   Probably chinese dumplings, or chocolate mousse.

Stolen from http://thelittlethingswedo.blogspot.com/

Julibean <3

Fill in the Blank Friday

1.   I am currently obsessed with       updating this blog. lol. And baking and nesting the condo.

2.  Today I am    sick of work    because,    it is incredibly boring and it is Friday and I would like to be at home baking.  Plus it's raining, and I never feel like doing anything when it's rainy.  I hate getting the bottom of my jeans wet.

3.  The age I am is    22     and the age I feel is    usually older.  Chris and I are a fairly legit couple in a remarkably adult setup and situation for a couple our age.  We've got the house, the jobs, the cars, the bills, the loans, the wedding, the dinner at home, the wine, the gym, the house guests, the home improvement.  Luckily we're waiting a good 5 years to have any babies, so we have time to enjoy the time we are spending building our lives together.  Sometimes I still feel young and immature when I think of what I want to spend money on and accomplish.  Mostly it's baking equipment, and I'm still not quite ready for my own business, but I'm working on it.  

4.  My favorite place is     the library, my kitchen, the beach house with friends.  I love sleeping in that huge bed, sleeping in, having the sexy time, seeing the light come through the wooden blinds, walking out on the patio to read a book in the sunshine and watch the reeds and grass sway back and forth, bbqing with friends and having a beer and smoking a clove when the sun goes down.  So perfect.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is    cleaning the condo.  We've been meaning to do it for ages.  The second bathroom is an ungodly disaster and hasn't been cleaned since before Cynthia moved out.  Our bedroom is in serious  need of vacuuming, and the front hall and kitchen need to be mopped.  We also have to sweep up the patio and clean the tea stain that I spilled on the doorstep. lol.

6.  The last thing I purchased was        a mani/pedi at the spa attached to the gym.  I had a giftcard from the in-laws, so I guess I didn't exactly purchase it.  Before that, it would have to be lunch or coffee with Cynthia, and before that, dinner at the bar for trivia and food shopping at the Sam's Club.

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       The way the light and breeze comes in the patio door when I'm baking on a saturday morning or making pancakes for Chris on the weekend.  I am so ready for spring and to re plant some basil and whatever else I can think of that would grow nicely on the patio.  Any ideas?

 

As always, thank you to the lovely lady over at The Little Things We Do for the questions. 

Fill in the Blank Friday!

As always, thank you to the lovely lady over at The Little Things We Do for the questions. 

 

1.   I am       a people oriented, crazy organized baker, little sister and fiance to a wonderful man.  Notice how I reference myself in relation to other people?  I just noticed that.  When people ask me who/what I am, I always respond "a little sister". 

2.  The bravest thing I've ever done was    break up with my ex boyfriend.  I was so afraid to do it, but it was really the right decision.  I think I feel the most brave when I do something to test myself.  Can I survive alone?  Can I withstand whatever response I might get from saying this thing I've been keeping inside?

3.  I feel prettiest when       I look at pictures of myself from high school/early college.  Need to get back to that point.  Everyone needs to feel good about themselves, and I'm not quite there yet, but on my way.

4.  Something that keeps me awake at night is   obsessing.  I think too much, all day, every day.  If I'm worried about something I will panic and go over it and over it and freak myself out.  Also if I have something going on the next day that I have to be up early for, I will wake up and stare at the clock.  OMG it's 2 a.m., I only have 3 hours to sleep, that's just not enough, I'm going to be tired, go to bed, go to bed, go to bed.  Just like that.  I actually got rid of the alarm clock on my side of the bed and make Chris tell me what time it is when I'm sleeping and have my glasses off.  If he's sleeping, I don't get to know.

5.  My favorite meal in the entire world is   that's tough.  I guess I would have to go with BBQ.  My standby is usually ribs, baked potato, corn on the cob, bbq veggies (especially crispy black red peppers), corn bread, and a beer.  Or dessert, obviously.

6.  The way to my heart is        through textbook romance and humor.  Recite lines from a favorite movie or book of mine and I'd probably melt right then and there.  But if you can make me giggle and laugh at myself, that sort of carefree love is amazing as well.

7.  I would like to       get my college group of friends back together and living in the same place again.  How awesome would that be, sure we all have jobs now, but a good old life discussion on the porch with a 30 wold make my day.

Fill in the Blank Friday!

Another fun fill in the blank Friday from  The Little Things We Do!

 

1.   If I could only read one magazine publication for the rest of eternity, I would choose Martha Stewart Living?  Maybe Bon Appetit, not that I even get that magazine, but I could start.

2.  If I were to run my own magazine it would be    Colorful, fun, probably wedding or baking related, and designed by my sister.

3.  I buy my magazines (at the grocery check stand or via subscription)       Via subscription.  I rarely pick up a magazine when I'm out in a store, but I have been known to pick up a couple that I don't read very often in a airport for a long trip.  They are relaxing to read while traveling.  

4.  I prefer my magazines (in print or online)   Of course in print.  Online magazines are obscenely distracting with popups and links everywhere, they are disorganized and no different than reading anything else online.  I get a magazine to actually pick up the glossy paper and read the actual thing.

5.  The number of magazines I buy each month is    Well subscription wise I usually get a Cosmo, Martha Stewart Living, Martha Stewart Weddings, Real Simple, and Bride.  In addition, Chris gets Motor Trend and Car & Driver.  It's pretty funny that there's a pile of Motor Trends and Cosmos in the bathroom in a pile.

6. My favorite magazine genre is (lifestyle, gossip, home, etc...)       Wedding, food, and home magazines.  My ideal magazine would probably be a cross between Martha Stewart Weddings, Real Simple, and like Lucky or some fashion magazine.  I actually really liked Seventeen for fashion, even though I've outgrown it at this point.  I also really enjoy reading all the science magazines that my parents get.  I'm a big fan of Time magazine and the Baltimore magazine that Chris' parents get.  My parents probably have like 10 subscriptions including; National Geographic, Scientific American, Air & Space, Consumer Reports, Time, Weight Watchers, Popular Science, & Discover.

 

P.S.  To all of you that were actually following and reading my blog, I made it private because it was becoming more personal than I originally anticipated and I decided that strangers and certain other people didn't need to be reading it.  If you'd like me to add you or someone to the list of readers I'm allowing on here, let me know.  

 

Julibean <3

Fill in the Blank Friday!

As always, thank you to the lovely lady over at The Little Things We Do for the questions.

 

1.   My favorite quote is       probably this one, paraphrased from an episode of the West Wing.  "Words.  Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music.  They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume.  These are the properties of music, and music has the ability to find us, and move us, and lift us up in ways literal meaning cant."

2.  A bad habit I have is    Over analyzing.  Obsessing.  Thinking too much about things until they morph into something terrible and completely different from the original purpose.  

3.  The first time I felt like a "grown up" was       I don't know if I'm even there yet.  I'd like to say something like, when I graduated from college, or when Chris and I got engaged, but really, we're all still soul searching, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life, what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't think any of us ever do.

4.  Weekends are   usually for lying about in my underwear, sleeping in, reading a book, and not bothering to shower until about 4 p.m.  However, they always seem to end up with me having too many tasks to do, and too many errands to run.  I'm starting to think that they should be about me.  Finding something that I really want to do, and just doing it.

5.  When I was a child I wished my name was     umm... I have no idea.  Probably something from a tv show like Piper or Felicity.

6.  I wish        I could find out what I really want to do with my life and turn it into something wonderful without being afraid of failure.  I don't want to work for anyone, I don't want to work 9-5, I want to be creative, and I want to live.  To feel alive.

7.  A secret I have is       Probably something I lie to myself about, and therefore would have no idea what to tell you it was.

I'm in a really weird mood today.  I'm sitting at my desk at work, where I have been for the past five days this week, and the five days last week, and the week after that, and the week after that and I find myself incredibly frustrated.  I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm upset, and I'm fanatic.  I guess I never thought my life would end up quite like this.  I had really big dreams, I've wanted to open a bakery for a long time.  I wanted to be a writer, a librarian, an editor.  I've wanted to be a lawyer, a politician, a philanthropist.  I've wanted to be so many other things, and right now, I'm stuck being nothing.  I'm doing nothing.  My life feels empty and meaningless because I wake up every morning to come into work and sit at my desk and have nothing to do.  I try to keep myself occupied, read blogs, read books, play games, come up with ideas, watch videos about baking, plan our wedding.  But I can't get into any of it.  I feel isolated in a new place with only my fiance to comfort me.  I feel like I am sleeping through my life, and I want out.  I want to wake up in the morning and feel like I can't wait to get somewhere and do something.  To be busy enough to keep myself occupied and focused, and not wasting my time with stupid worryings and anxiety ridden afternoons, complete with shakes and hyperventilation.  I just don't know what it is, or how to do it.  I am cranky and frustrated all the time.  I do not feel like myself.  I don't laugh anymore, I don't get excited about anything, and I don't appreciate any of the good things because I am stuck in a hole and I don't know how to get out.  

Something has to change.  I don't know what it is, and I'm incredibly frightened that I will screw up my relationship on the road to whatever it is, but I can't continue to live like this.  Living day to day like a walking shell of my old self.  I want art.  Creativity.  Words.  Music.  Beauty and Passion.  This is no way to live, angry with the only person in my life that means anything to me, all the time, just because he is there.  Just because he is there, and not this ridiculous ideal that I have in a fantasy wrapped up in my mind.  Reading so much fiction has me longing for something that doesn't exist.  We can never be as happy as these people, have the love and passion for each other that they do, because they're not real.  They don't exist, their feelings don't exist, they are characters.  So why am I so envious of them?  We can never say or do the right thing at the exact right time, because some author somewhere didn't sit for hours planning out and wording everything we say and do to reach that type of perfection.  What is wrong with me?  Do other people feel this way?  Upset and angry with their lives because they, and their partner, and everyone else in their lives aren't living up to the expectations of carefully thought out words and flourishes and catches in their breath.  

 

I am being unrealistic to the extreme.  Yet I cannot shake this nagging feeling.  This yearning for something more than what my life is offering me right now.  For words that resonate, for touches that chill, for erratic breaths and heart palpitations.  Maybe this is just an inner cry of turmoil.  My creativity is nearly bursting out of my chest without any regard for the reality at hand.  It doesn't care that I am responsible for my own life, for someone else's happiness, to maintain the balance of our lives.  It wants to scream out, and sing out, and reverberate.  Bottling this up has literally caused me to tremble, to stutter, I can't control myself.  I need an outlet, a vessel for this pent up aggression and need.  There is nothing holding it, no receptacle, nowhere for it to be channeled and held and looked at.  I am scarcely able to understand it at all, because it is seeping out of me from every possible place.  I want to cry from the stress of it all, and to kick something because I had not realized and done something about it sooner.  I want to hide because I don't know what to do with it, what to do with this feeling that I have that I will never be enough, never have enough, have never had enough of whatever I'm lacking.  Purpose.  

 

Do you ever stop and think that God has put you on this planet for a reason?  That there is a reason for your existence, some purpose that you were sent here for.  Something that you and only you could provide.  Soul searching to the extreme.  What is it?  What is your talent, your ability, your reason for living.  When I was younger I thought it was family.  I thought it was love.  Compassion.  I wanted nothing more than to have a husband who loved me, and a family to take care of.  Children to nurture and help grow.  Someone to love with such fervency that it could not be contained.  That I could love someone so much, that I would make their life complete.  Lift them up.  

 

I am far to screwed up right now to be able to provide that kind of thing for anyone.  It was a locus entirely separate from myself.  Be something for someone else, have other people need you and love you, a constant need to be useful and necessary and wanted.  That does not exist for me.  I am doing nothing for myself right now, and definitely nothing for anyone else.  I am feeling useless and I am hiding from myself, hiding from finding what I want to do and be.  I'm frightened.  That I will never find it, and never feel any better than I do right now.  I live in constant fear that my life will never get any better than this, and there is then, no point in trying.  Just curl up in a ball, cry, and try to make the feeling go away.  It is exhausting.

Being so afraid and upset is exhausting.  Being useless is exhausting.  Sitting here every day with nothing to do is exhausting.  So much so, that when I do get home, I don't have the energy to be happy.  I don't have the energy to be excited to see anyone, to love anyone, to be kind to anyone, to want to do anything, to try to find out what it is that I should be doing to make these feeling obsolete.  To make sure that I never have to walk into this place and feel this way again, hopeless.  I had been too tired to think about it, to try to fix it.  This stops now.  I'm angry with myself for  letting it go on for so long.  When was the last time I was truly happy?  Culinary school.  Going to visit Chris on the weekends, showing him the things I had made, bringing slices of cake with me on the train, having people smile and tell me it was delicious.  I had friends that I loved to be around every day, work was not work.  It was fun, educational, creative, exhausting, and wonderful.  I would be antsy to get in the car and go to see the man I loved, because I had a good day and I wanted to share it with him.  To tell him what I learned, to show him something I had created with my two hands.  To live in a house with my sister.  My best friend.  My partner in crime.  What am I fucking waiting for?

I didn't want to put the work in.  The move was scary.  It still scares me.  I have no one here but him, nothing tying me here but him, nothing that I enjoy.  No one to talk to when things with him get rough, nothing to show for my life at the end of the day.  What did I do today?  Nothing.  I worked with no tangible result.  Task completion.  We talked about it in business school all the time.  The satisfaction and motivation in starting a project and seeing it through to the end.  Starting something, doing all the work involved, and then having something to show for it when you're done.  The relief that it hadn't all been for nothing, that your work was going uncompleted and unnoticed.  Where do I go from here?

I have been waiting in vain for my sister.  I want our plan to work out so badly, but I have no idea how to start my end.  Too complicated, too risky, too much start up capital needed.  I have no experience.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't have the effort to take a crappy job with crappy pay and crappy hours and learn what I need to learn to do what I want to do.  I don't have partners or staff.  I don't want to pay my dues to anyone.  I only want to work for myself.  It's unrealistic.  I don't know how to begin.  I want to work with her paper crafts first.  Start a business model.  Feel successful in what we're doing.  Knowing that we have a good product with selling potential that people would buy and enjoy and feel good about.  That would make me feel good about it, running our own business, being our own bosses.  Learning along the way.  Making something for myself, of myself.  But I can't keep waiting around for her.  It will never happen that way.  I can't control her life.  I can't control where Jason gets a job, and where they will move.  The thought of her leaving breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do without her.  I need to find a new avenue.  A new tactic.  I can't sit around and wait anymore.  I'm driving myself crazy.  Where do I start?  Writing this all down was a good step.  I'm going to go home and make some cupcakes and roll out some fondant and try to will it into telling me what to do.  Only time will tell, I will have to be patient.  Not one of my strong suits. 

 

How do people live like this for their entire lives?  Stuck in dead end jobs, only working for the money that they need.  Feeling exhausted and useless and frustrated.  Never achieving their dreams or their potential.  I am sleeping through my life.  Using less than 1/8 of my mental and creative capacity.  I refuse to be one of them.  One of the people that hate their lives and feel stuck and never amount to anything.  I have skills, I have smarts, and I have the support of a man that loves me.  The change starts now. 

Fill in the Blank Friday!

1.   Giving is       Sometimes stressful.  I always want to find just the perfect thing, and it never quite works out right.  That's why I end up baking mostly.

2.  Receiving is   very sweet, but makes me feel awkward sometimes.  Especially if the gift is expensive or you didn't reciprocate in the appropriate amount.

3.  The best gift I ever received was       probably my engagement ring.  A nice sparkly rock and a lifetime with the love of my life?  Yes, please.  I think Quatchi might be a close second.

4.  The best gift I ever gave was   umm... I don't know if I've ever given a really good gift before.  We'll see how this Christmas goes, then I'll get back to you.

5.  Something intangible that I wish I could receive is       a brighter outlook/sunny disposition.  I wish I could go back to college.  Lying in the grass reading a book in the sun really makes me so happy. 

6.  Something intangible that I wish I could give is        a happy ending for my sister and her fiance.  They've been dealt a real shitty hand this year.  A clean and organized house that magically stayed that way for my parents.  A healthy pregnancy and delivery for Jaclyn and Andy.

7.  The one gift I always wanted as a child, but never got was       an Easy Bake oven.

Fill in the Blank Friday!

1.   I wish       I could find some more fun things to do around here and make some friends.  And stop worrying so goddamn much.  Also that my sister would move here and stay with me forever in sisterly happiness.

2.  Yesterday I   Had sushi with Chris and Cynthia, beat my stupid Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Gamecube game, and watched some TV.  Chris after insisting that we watch Twilight Eclipse, fell asleep during it and then begged me to turn it off.

3.  Today I will      work till 5, possibly return some things via UPS, bake something for tomorrow, and have a few drinks with my manfriend.

4.  Tomorrow I will   go to trivia finals and compete for $1000.  Not that we're really going to win, but it would be a pretty awesome after party if it were to randomly happen.  Then meet up with the trivia people at Jon & Sara's house.  Yay for being invited to a party!  I thought we'd never make any friends!

5.  Maybe      I got some Christmas gifts in the mail that I can wrap this evening.  Wrapping presents is easily one of my favorite activities ever. 

6.  Someday        We will get a puppy.  And redecorate and re-floor our condo. 

7.  I love       lamp.

Fill in the Blank Friday!

1.   Holiday spirit       makes me happy.

2.  The holidays are incomplete without   Bing Crosby, White Christmas, a family member saying something inappropriate when mom is reading a bible passage at dinner, and dad sitting on the floor and handing out presents.

3.  My favorite things to do around the holidays is      baking and singing and drinking wine with Elise!

4.  A holiday tradition my family and I have is   complaining about whatever mom has cooked for Christmas dinner.  Getting into a fight about vacuuming the house.  Complimenting the green wreath that Jaclyn and David colored when they were little.

5.  Holiday music is      Pretty freeking awesome.  I love the Christmas CDs that my mom puts in every year and singing at Church.  Also Handel's Messiah sing in is always fun.  I'm not a huge fan of radio Christmas music, they seem to always play the same five songs.  Sleigh Ride, Baby It's Cold Outside, The Christmas Song, Silver Bells, and It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

6.  This year, I'll be spending the holidays        at my house with my parents.  This year is the first time Chris and I will actually be spending the holiday together.  We'll have fake Christmas with his parents at some point afterward.

7.  Holiday wish list       My renewed sanity.  A decent night's sleep.  A non anxious day and night with my man friend.

Fill in the Blank Friday!

As always, questions complements of  The Little Things We Do

1.   My Thanksgiving plans this year will include       Baking a hell of a lot!  So excited about that.  Having dinner with the in-laws, the fiance's grandparents, my parents, my sister, and her fiance.  Then epic Black Friday of awesomeness.  Seeing Harry Potter in IMAX at the Science Center and then going to the Baltimore Aquarium and seeing the dolphin show!

2.  My favorite Thanksgiving was   Probably the one where Sebastian punched David in the balls under the table.  No other Thanksgiving really sticks out to me except the worst one.

3.  My signature Thanksgiving dish is      I don't have one yet, but maybe I'll start a tradition this year.

4.  My favorite Thanksgiving food is   The Mashed potatoes and the cranberry sauce from the can.  I don't think I really eat much else except the dessert.  Oh and my aunt's barley soup.  SO GOOD!

5.  Thanksgiving free association!      pie, movies, family, pictures, photoshopping said pictures, epic Sebastian debacles.

6.  Thansgiving is        Delicious!  And we always watch the parade and the dog show afterwards!

7.  I am thankful for   being so fortunate this holiday season when I know a lot of other people are much worse off.  Fuck unemployment.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Moments You Wish You Could Do-Over...

For this week's fill in the blank Friday we're going to play a different kind of game.  Sometimes everyone gets a little pang of regret.  I've tried to live my life honestly so I would never have many regrets, but as always, a few slip through the cracks.  Here they are in chronological order:

1.  I wish I tried out for the stage musicals in high school.  I think I had a good enough voice but never really gave it all I had because of nerves.  Maybe acting would have been good for me.

2.  I wish I had done a better job of keeping a balance of boyfriend to girlfriends in high school.  I had some pretty great girlfriends in high school that I let slip away way too easily.  It is way too easy to choose sex over bitchy girl drama when you're 16.

3.  I am a huge over analyzer.  I've been trying to work on it lately, but I think if I just relaxed a bit more and let my relationships and feelings go with the flow, I'd have been a much happier lady.  It's times like these that I wish I had Morgan's ease of life.

4.  I wish I had the balls to break up with my first boyfriend when things started going downhill so I might have had a chance to date someone else who I really wanted to give a try.  But I've got to say, only one missed love opportunity for an entire lifetime is really not that bad of a record.

5.  I wish maybe Chris and I had taken things a little slower at first.  I'm really happy with how things have turned out for us, but I think there may have been more fun and less family drama and confusion if I had let things slow down a bit.  But you know me, full steam ahead or don't even bother.

6.  I wish I had played a sport or stayed more fit in college.  Period.

7.  I wish I didn't even attempt law school.  I could have had a much more badass Senior year at RPI and would have severely limited the stress-ors in my life that sent me "over the edge" so to speak.  Maybe I would have tried for a different master's program or maybe I would have gone in a completely different direction.  But we all take forever to really find out what we want to do with our lives, I don't think anyone ever really knows.

8.  I wish we hadn't pained the condo such ridiculous colors, or had at least maybe thought a little bit better about it or taken our time painting it.  Damn we suck at painting.  I'm definately considering getting professional painters the next time we have to attempt it.

What about you guys?  Anything you wish you could rewind and get a do-over?

Julibean <3

Fill in the Blank Friday

1.  If I didn't have to work anymore I would  travel and bake a lot of delicious things.

2.  My favorite thing about a vacation is  not having to cook or clean, breaking out of your routine, drinking in new places.

 

3.  When packing for a trip I  pack far too much underwear and usually end up having to put some of my stuff in Chris' bag, or have a separate bag just for shoes and toiletries.

 

4.  My top 3 absolute travel essentials are   pain killers, head and shoulders, and a cardigan.

5.  Vacations are  the shit.

7.  On vacation you must always  actually relax and sleep.  

Julibean <3

Fill in the Blank Friday

I'm playing Fill in the Blank Friday from Lauren's blog The Little Things We Do

1.   The first thing I do in the morning to start my day is  kiss my fiance on the cheek and try to get him to turn on the shower.

2.  Today I wish I was feeling a little bit better.  I'm home sick.  I'd also like to be eating GS cookies and hanging out with my sister and Jaclyn.

3.  If I had an extra $100 in my bank account today I'd probably do nothing differently.

4.  Tomorrow I will sleep in while Chris goes to work, then probably bake something.  I'm thinking cinnamon rolls.

5.  Two things that don't go together are  lemon and chocolate!  A tip from culinary school.

6.  Something I can never pass up at the grocery store is  umm I usually don't impulse buy things at the grocery store, but at a CVS I'm terrible.  I'll usually get a cookies and cream chocolate bar or some beef jerkey or something.

7.  The last time I tried something new was I tried a bite of Chris crab imperial at dinner the other day.  I didn't really like it too much, too much mayonnaise.

Have a good weekend!

Julibean <3